A question the Sage hears often
My daughter is 34, married, with two little ones and a busy job. She only phones when she needs a babysitter or a favour. I love helping, but I'm starting to feel like a free service rather than her mother. How do I tell her without starting a fight?
In short: She's probably not using you. She's stretched thin, and you're the person she trusts most. Tell her kindly what you miss, make the ordinary chat easy to have, and keep helping on terms that don't leave you resentful.
The Sage replies…
First, you're not being silly
It hurts to feel useful but not wanted. You raised her, and now the only time the phone rings it comes with a request attached. That's a real feeling, and lots of mothers share it during these busy years.
What's probably going on
A woman with two small children and a job lives in the gaps. The calls that get made are the ones that <em>have</em> to be made, and friendly chats get pushed to "later", which never seems to come.
You also get the requests because you're her safe place. She trusts you with her children. That's love, even if it doesn't feel like it on a Thursday night when she needs you by seven.
Say what you miss, not what she does wrong
"You only call when you want something" will start the fight you're hoping to avoid. Try telling her what you'd like more of instead:
<em>"I love helping with the kids, you know that. I've just realised I miss talking to you. Not about plans, just you. Could we have a little catch-up call on Sunday evenings?"</em>
That's hard to argue with, and it gives her something easy to say yes to.
Make the easy call easy
Don't wait for her to find the time. Call her yourself, for ten minutes, during her drive home. Send a photo of something that made you think of her. Suggest a standing coffee once a month, just the two of you. Small and regular beats big and rare.
Help on terms that keep you happy
You're allowed to say yes to some requests and no to others. "I can do Tuesday, but not Friday" is a perfectly loving answer. If you notice resentment building, that's your sign to say no a little more often, not to keep quiet until it bursts out.
With a wink and a twirl,
— The Dancing Sage
Try this
Call about nothing
This week, call her for ten minutes about nothing in particular. Ask one question about <em>her</em>, not the children, and listen to the answer.
A question to take with you: What do I miss most about the way we used to talk?
From The Dancing Sage's bookshelf: 30 Days Back to You
A gentle journal for slowing down, reconnecting, and finding your way back to yourself, one small day at a time.
Get the journal on Amazon →Keep reading: Getting Along with Your Daughter-in-Law · A Gentle No · My Children Are Grown. Who Am I Now?
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The Dancing Sage offers friendly, everyday advice, not professional counselling, medical, legal or financial advice. For anything serious, ongoing or urgent, please reach out to a doctor, counsellor or someone you trust. If you or someone else may be in danger, contact local emergency services.