A question the Sage hears often
My husband retired six months ago. I love him, but he is home all day, every day. He follows me from room to room, asks what we're doing for lunch at 9 a.m., and has started "helping" in the kitchen. I feel guilty saying it, but I miss having the house to myself. What do I do?
In short: You're not unkind for needing space; you're normal. Talk about it as a shared adjustment, agree on some time apart each day, and gently encourage him to find interests of his own.
The Sage replies…
You are not alone, I promise
Oh, my dear. If I had a nickel for every woman who has whispered this to me over a cup of tea, I'd retire to the seaside myself. This is one of the most common surprises of later life, and it says nothing bad about your marriage.
For years, the house may have been your domain during the day. Now there is a lovely, well-meaning man standing in the middle of it asking where the colander goes. Both of you are adjusting, and it's no wonder it feels crowded.
Talk about it as a team problem
Choose a calm moment and start with love: "I'm so glad you're home, and I'd like us to figure out a rhythm that works for both of us." Then be honest: "I need some time to myself each day to feel like me."
He may feel a little hurt at first. Many men lose their sense of purpose when work ends, and he may be leaning on you because he isn't sure what to do with himself yet. That's worth a gentle, compassionate conversation too.
Create some gentle structure
Agree on a few things: perhaps mornings are your quiet time, or you each have one afternoon a week out of the house. Encourage him towards something of his own, such as a men's group, volunteering, a workshop, golf or a class. Keep doing your own things, without apology.
And yes, you're allowed to say, kindly, "The kitchen is mine. You're in charge of the barbecue."
With a wink and a twirl,
— The Dancing Sage
Try this
Plan one hour that's just yours
Look at this week and choose one hour that is yours alone. Tell him when it is, cheerfully, then use it for something that makes you feel like yourself.
A question to take with you: What did my days used to hold that I'd like to bring back?
From The Dancing Sage's bookshelf: Walk in Your Own Rhythm
A woman's guide to energy, movement, and living life on your own terms.
Get it on Kindle →Keep reading: Making New Friends After 50 · Coming Home to Yourself
Have a question of your own? Ask the Sage →
The Dancing Sage offers friendly, everyday advice, not professional counselling, medical, legal or financial advice. For anything serious, ongoing or urgent, please reach out to a doctor, counsellor or someone you trust. If you or someone else may be in danger, contact local emergency services.