A question the Sage hears often
I went into my teenage son's room to put some clean socks on his dresser and noticed something hanging out of a drawer. When I opened it to tidy up, it was full of underpants that definitely aren't his: flashy, sparkly ones, some men's and some women's. What on earth do I do?
In short: Take a breath before you react. There are plenty of ordinary explanations, from costumes to a joke among friends. Have a calm, private, curious chat, listen more than you talk, and keep your love front and centre whatever the answer.
The Sage replies…
First, take a deep breath
Nobody prepares you for opening a drawer and finding a sparkly surprise. Whatever you're feeling, whether it's shock, worry or the urge to laugh, give yourself a day before you say anything. The first conversation sets the tone, and calm beats flustered every time.
There are plenty of ordinary explanations
Teenagers are wonderfully unpredictable. Before imagining the worst, consider the likely ones: costumes for a school play, a dance show or a theme party; a running joke among friends; a gag gift or a dare; things a friend left behind; or simply a love of bold, flashy fashion. Teenagers also try on different looks and styles as they work out who they are, and that's a normal part of growing up.
How to bring it up
Choose a relaxed moment when it's just the two of you, perhaps in the car or while cooking, when you don't have to stare at each other. Keep it light and honest:
<em>"I was putting your socks away and noticed a rather glamorous collection in your drawer! Want to tell me about it?"</em>
A little humour lowers the guard. Then stop talking and listen. Ask questions because you're curious, not to catch him out.
Whatever the answer, lead with love
If the story is funny, laugh with him. If it's about who he is, or who he likes, the most important thing he can hear is that nothing changes how much you love him. You don't need all the answers on the spot. "Thank you for telling me, I love you" is a perfect place to start.
When to look a little closer
A few things are worth a calm follow-up: if the items still have shop tags and he can't explain where they came from, if they seem to belong to people who don't know he has them, or if there are signs of secrecy, pressure or new older friends, especially online. If anything worries you, talk it through with him, and don't hesitate to involve the school counsellor or your family doctor.
A word about privacy
Teenagers need some privacy, and it helps to agree on a little routine: perhaps clean laundry left on the bed rather than tucked into drawers. It saves everybody future surprises, and shows him you respect his space.
With a wink and a twirl,
— The Dancing Sage
Try this
Plan the first sentence
Before you talk to him, write down the one light, friendly sentence you'll open with. Practise it once out loud. It's much easier to stay calm when you know how you'll begin.
A question to take with you: What do I most want my teenager to feel after we've talked?
From The Dancing Sage's bookshelf: 30 Days Back to You
A gentle journal for slowing down, reconnecting, and finding your way back to yourself, one small day at a time.
Get the journal on Amazon →Keep reading: My Toddler Asked If a Stranger Was Pregnant · My Grown Daughter Only Calls When She Needs Something
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The Dancing Sage offers friendly, everyday advice, not professional counselling, medical, legal or financial advice. For anything serious, ongoing or urgent, please reach out to a doctor, counsellor or someone you trust. If you or someone else may be in danger, contact local emergency services.